Bodies Unfiltered

By Kat K.

Sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks of me as who I used to be. The thought that someone thinks of me as a previous version of myself is unsettling and frightening. I have grown so much emotionally and intellectually that anyone who solely knew me years ago would have no idea who I truly am. It is hard to let go of this and not have the thoughts weigh down my ability to evolve. 

Society, loved ones, and even friends often expect consistency — or are more comfortable with consistency. This expectation inhibits growth that is necessary to become one’s true self. You shouldn’t have to stay predictable for the people around you in order to maintain the relationships. However, this can be extremely difficult, especially when the change necessary to become yourself can create distance in relationships. It doesn’t always happen, but when a relationship becomes strained due to personal growth and change, it hurts. This pain should be acknowledged, but ultimately it is the other person’s loss for not being a part of your beautiful journey of self-growth. Never stop change that feels natural to you because it is not comfortable for someone else.

People might resist when you change your style, pronouns, boundaries, or beliefs, but no one has a right to stop you. You are allowed to change who you are and how the world sees you whenever you want, there are no rules, just artificially created expectations. 

Outgrowing your previous self can lead to feeling guilty, even when the change feels right. This guilt is normal and valid, but it shouldn’t hold back necessary growth. When other people make you feel guilty for becoming yourself, you have to fight for the growth you know is right.

When I was 18, I moved out of my family home and into a college house with a couple of roommates. I had always been interested in self-expression; dyeing my hair, getting piercings, wearing different styles, but I didn’t have any tattoos (yet). A couple months into college, I got my first tattoo and immediately knew there would be more to come. I couldn’t wait and basically covered my left arm in a patch-work tattoo sleeve within a couple months of leaving home. In hindsight, this was not my greatest decision, but it was my decision to make. People always ask me if I regret any of my tattoos or if I am planning on getting any removed, and I always say no. I might get some removed in the future, but I love how my tattoos show a part of my journey and connect me with a previous version of myself that I have outgrown, but still love. 

The first time I saw my grandma with the tattoos she was stunned in silence. The second time I saw her, she let me have it. She started yelling at me that I had ruined my body, I would scare people, I scared her, that I wasn’t beautiful anymore. Of course she decided to tell me all this in the parking lot outside my job, so I opted to sit in my car to cry before going in. Her words hurt. A part of me thought she might be right, and that was terrifying. What if I had ruined my body? What if I wasn’t beautiful anymore? I called my mom right after the conversation and she was quick to tell me how wrong my grandma was. My grandma had to accept that I was not the person I was the year before, or the year before that, but I was still beautiful and lovable. I looked different, the way I expressed myself was different, I was different, but I was still me. I was a newer version of myself that figured out I love having beautiful art on skin, even if that was subject to change. My grandma had no right to tell me what to think of myself just because I had not met her expectations. Mending this relationship would prove to be difficult, but I promised myself that her words would never hinder my growth or self-acceptance.

Living up to others’ expectations shouldn’t hold you back from being who you are and want to be. If anyone around you can’t handle the person you are becoming, it might be time to let them go. Change can bring hurt, but it can also bring clarity, love, happiness, and confidence.